Sixteen days since my big "decade resolution" picture commemorating my dA membership hitting the ten-year mark and I'm still not quite
back in action yet. Finals week is coming up, and after that, summer...and with it three whole months of virtually-limitless time to catch up on my art projects.Reasoning for my absence
I just feel so bad, leaving some crucial projects hanging, letting down a few of my watchers who were expecting commissions and/or art trades for God knows how long now. I've actually spent a few nights in tears over the past 8 or 9 months because of my extreme inactivity and how it could be hurting my connection with my watchers, missing the old days (from 2010 till about 2013 or so) where I'd submit at least one major finished piece a month and just rack up the comments, faves and constructive criticism. I fear my absence has severely hurt my popularity and I may never return to my former glory...but I cannot allow myself to dwell on such things.
The one event on which I can place over 90% of the blame is an American history class I took last year. The professor was the most narcissistic, confrontational hardass I've ever had the misfortune of taking a class from, he enjoyed forcing his extreme leftist/Marxist/conflict theorist "EVERYWUN IZ RACISS AN MUHSOGGYNISTIC!!!1!1" stance down all of our throats seemingly just for the sake of bullying any student who didn't follow his exact views, and boy, did he enjoy threatening to flunk us for the most minor of reasons, just as part of his "scare 'em straight" method of teaching. For a crotchety old coot he was the most petty, childish and spiteful professor I have ever had...and his teaching style still haunts me to this day.
I feel that old bastard deeply, subconsciously conditioned my brain to think I can't balance both school and
personal projects during the semester or else I'll flunk, I trick myself into thinking I am working way harder academically than I actually am, and then when a semester is finally over my mind goes into "I need a breather" mode, spending almost the whole break to "recover" from a mentally-taxing semester than was NOT mentally-taxing at all. I've gone through two semesters so far after the downright-traumatic US history experience, one of which (a graphic design class) was easily the
most gentle class I have ever taken. But I still got absolutely no new art pieces finished, as I was still
mentally recovering. That is the reason I've had all the free time in the world, but my motivation's been a criminally-finite resource for me. I'm prepared for the worst...I could take a few more months to recover and re-condition myself to become more productive again. I can only pray to the gods that this summer will be the point my art block dies, and I'll be back to submitting at least one finished, polished work of art a month ASAP.
Keep me in your thoughts...and I am sorry to leave you all hanging.The paradigm shift
Those of you who have stayed by my side in spite of my art block and general apathy may have noticed some changes in my behavior, DevID information, and general ways of presenting myself. That's because it's on purpose: with my return from absence comes a complete-ish reworking of my entire presence here on dA. Simply because I was sick of the Great-5 I was for the past 5 or 6 years, and feel it's time for a change.
For one thing, I've decided a few months ago that I don't really consider myself a brony anymore
. Don't worry, I still love the show more than ever (season five seriously kicks ass so far! You should watch it, like right away,) Rainbow Rocks
actually made me start appreciating Equestria Girls
just as much as the actual show, and I'll probably never, ever stop drawing ponies and creating cool fanon scenarios and stuff. But after seeing the bad behavior of a few of the more extreme fans with regards to dealing with haters, some bronies' attitudes just really
upset me. There is something deeply disturbing about seeing 30-something men throw whiny tantrums and posture to look "tough" (and failing epically when everybody except them sees them for the fat, balding, wangsty old manbabies they actually are) over merely a TV show about cartoon horses. I've got no problem with cloppers (I too find the ponies attractive) as long as they keep it to themselves: my real problem is with the sniveling, weak-willed manlets of the fandom. They've shown me everything I don't
wanna be, and who inside I am afraid of already being, and this is one of the biggest reasons for this paradigm shift of mine.
I know that on the surface that sounds sorta hypocritical coming from somebody who is a contributor for The-Brony-Resistance
but honestly, the main reason I am involved with that group is I find it comical and refreshing how bronies have mirrored the mentality of some of the more militaristic haters. If they're gonna edge up the joint with gas masks and (airsoft) guns and lots of black and red and appropriated Nazi/Commie iconography, calling themselves stuff like "TEH ANTI-BRONY LIBERAYSHON FRUNT!!1!11" or "ANTI-BRONY REVOLOOSHINARY ARMEE!!11!1" and indulging in autistic revenge fantasies about "liberating the internet" and the ensuing systematic brony/pony genocide, then I say let the fans have a little fun with that ourselves. I see the group as more of an ironic jab at the childish mentality a lot of antibronies have, and will probably submit some satirical works to the group soon (once my art block is down for good.)
Finally, some things you will probably see with the new Great-5 are my exploring of admittedly controversial topics I've been into on-and-off since my mid-teen years. I'll go ahead and say it, I...am fascinated and oddly-compelled by national socialism. Not to the extent that it's actually turning me into a racist or an anti-Semite, but more so that nationalist/Nazi/neo-fascist imagery and some of their ideological worldviews deeply captivate me, and inspire me with my own nationalistic leanings for my own "ethnic group" if you will (those with high-functioning autism, as well as just intellectual introverts who are not actually on the spectrum.) It's been that way since I was sixteen or seventeen, and negative experiences in the past couple years with both extreme liberals such as my US history professor and the radical feminists/SJWs on tumblr, and American ultra-patriot right-wing Christian conservatives, my hatred of both sides has left me more in alignment with the third position.
That's all for now. Hopefully no hard feelings. Great-5, signing off for the night.